Just when you think you're out of obstacles . . .

I’ve been trying to figure out how to write this post for almost a week. Each time I’ve attempted it, I cry or go off on tangents or feel like there’s just not enough space to write it all out.

Two weeks ago, I (finally) had a doctor’s appointment in the right place, with the right doctor.

While we’re still waiting for blood work to confirm, the diagnosis on the top of the list is PCOS.

Which drastically lowers our already slim chances of having children on our own. Like I expected, the doctor immediately started pushing for me to go on birth control if I’m not trying to get pregnant immediately. Also, like I expected he would, the doctor discussed that using Pre-Genetic Diagnosis (PGD) was our best option for getting pregnant. It’s also the most expensive. I could seriously buy a car for the same amount of money. And there’s no telling how many attempts we’ll need before a PGD/IVF pregnancy “sticks”.

I won’t even try to lie about how I handled the news. There was an entire day of ugly, snot-faced, so-hysterical-I-can-barely-breathe crying. I screamed over and over “It’s not fucking fair. It’s just not fair” on the phone to my mom. My SIL threw together “operation get Jenn out of the house” that night, to save my from my sorrows, for which I am forever grateful.

Sometimes, I am reminded that being a “crippled girl” is not just a cutesy tagline for a website. I know I will never run a marathon or ride a bike again. I will use a wheelchair for the rest of my life. And at some point, I won’t be able to raise my arms to brush my hair.

But being faced with the possibility of not being able to have kids, after coming so far with working around the Muscular Dystrophy (which I assumed was my biggest obstacle), makes me feel more disabled than I’ve ever felt in my entire life.

Comments

  1. Ruby says

    *hugs* I know it seems hopeless but never give up – it took 5 years after having R to get pregnant again & that wasn’t from lack of trying, & then another 18 months or so after that one to get pregnant with this one, & my baby maker is basically on crack. I might be way too optimistic on this subject, but I firmly believe if it’s meant to happen, it WILL – it just might take awhile & a ton of obstacles to jump over.
    Ruby recently posted…Being A Grown Up SucksMy Profile

  2. Kristeen says

    Welcome to the club no one wants to be in!

    PCOS is rough I was diagnosed with it about a year ago but have had the symptoms since I was 21. We did manage to get pregnant naturally, by sheer dumb luck, after about 3 years of trying nonstop. I am not on bc and refuse to go on it, I feel like it just masks the problems instead of treating them. Did you Dr. put you on metformin? It has literally changed my life, I now have a regular cycle and my mood swings have subsided a lot. My Dr has also talked to me about going on phentenormine to help with weight loss as well.
    Cafemom.com has a really good virtual support group for PCOS.
    Good luck I’m sorry, I would not wish this on anyone. If you need any advice or just to vent feel free to email me.

  3. says

    ((hugs)) I have lupus and while I’m not in a wheelchair I had to deal with infertility on top of an bad chronic illness. Let me tell you something I learned on my 3 yr journey to having a baby. There is a little person waiting to call you “Mommy” and they will come when *they* are ready. No testing, IVF, drugs, etc will ever make it otherwise. One day you will become a mommy and whether or not you carry them in you or you meet them from another biological parent. You will be able to become the best you can and the lessons you have to teach them because of the obstacles you’ve faced will be greater than any other mother can provide.

    I’m sorry about the bad news, but don’t give up.
    Sara (@MothersHideaway) recently posted…It’s Britney, BitchMy Profile

  4. says

    I really don’t have much to offer you, but consider this my virtual hug.

    I have two friends with PCOS, and they both have beautiful little boys. It took them a while, but neither had to do any kind of fertility treatments. So, you know, there is always hope.

    And I’ll keep hoping for you.
    Roxanne recently posted…I need a lifejacket.My Profile

  5. says

    As someone who has struggled with infertility I can understand your pain. It is such an emotional ride. The only advice I can offer you is to stay strong and focus on what it is that you really want. We are currently trying IVF with an egg donor and hoping for a miracle. I hope you get yours too.
    Finding My New Normal recently posted…ElevenMy Profile

  6. Meg says

    Jenn, I know there are probably no words that I could say right now that would provide much comfort. But please know that I am sending prayers and positive vibes your way. Miracles can happen, keep believing!

  7. says

    I am so sorry. I have had many friends struggle with the desire for children. I feel a twinge of guilt for having kids so easily myself. I am super glad that you have friends surrounding you and helping you deal with such disappointment/heart break/pain.
    Linda recently posted…Mark ScandretteMy Profile

  8. Sara says

    Jenn I am so sorry. {{{{HUGS}}}}

    It can sometimes feel like it’s all too much. The whole idea of “G-d would never give me more than I could handle … I just with He didn’t trust me so much!”

    You are an amazing girl and one day will make an amazing mommy … no matter how that comes about!

  9. says

    Crap. I’m so sorry. Virtual hugs with gratuitous boobs smooshing.

    At least now that you know what you are dealing with, you can… deal. (Dude! I’m so, like… such a… you know… word smith!) ((No. Not drinking. For once.)) It’s just a diagnosis. You have dealt with that and fought a good fight. You can adopt, foster, rent, steal… ok, stealing, probably a bad idea… borrow or build a child. You have a ton of options. Just building your own might take longer then you expected.

    Deep breathe. Move forward. Kick ass. You will make an amazing mama and it will happen.

    Shutting up and going to bed now.
    Dead Cow Girl recently posted…The Real Life of a HouseboyMy Profile

  10. says

    Found your blog through Shana – and can completely relate to this post.

    I have been profoundly deaf since I was 4 years old, an always assumed that would be my biggest “disability” or obstacle.

    And instead, seeing the letters “PCOS” on a doctor’s diagnosis was far more crushing.

    We tried to have a baby. For years.

    And gave up.

    Seven years after that diagnosis we had a completely unexpected miracle.

    Doctors aren’t God. They aren’t the final word on what happens in your life. Take encouragement in knowing that people with PCOS *can and do* become mothers.

    I am so sorry. I know I’m typing this from the other side of finally having that miracle happen for me… but trust me when I say, “I know”. I really do. And my heart aches for you.

    I am praying for you.
    Rachel recently posted…the disability truthMy Profile

Trackbacks

  1. [...] My follow up appointment Thursday morning went pretty much the way I expected it to. Yes, I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome, aka pcos. However, the good news is that I still have eggs, my thyroid levels are normal, and most of my other levels are good too. [...]

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