Next Year Will Be Better

Last year, I wrote a post, hoping it would be the last time I was not celebrating Mother’s Day. And here I am, another year later, and still no Momma-status.

It is hard not to feel like a failure. I am reminded that the terrifying downside of setting goals when you have no control over the outcome is that things may not go as you want them to.

In truth, I’ve done my best to ignore the holiday entirely, which has kept Ben in a perpetual state of confusion. Why exactly don’t I want to discuss what kind of flowers to send to your mother? When I started tearing up at a random commercial about gifts for mom, Ben figured out what was going on inside my head. And I admitted, that this year it would be easier if the holiday just dissappeared in my little world.

The impending holiday reminds me, again, of how far we have to go, how much more I could be (and need to be) doing to control my blood sugar, how much weight I haven’t been losing. All around, it makes me want to swan dive into a gallon of cookie dough ice cream . . .  As far as I’m concerned, the weekend will be about TLC, prepping for BBC Philly, and de-stressing. And possibly avoiding visual contact with any pregnant women and newborns.

But I’m trying to stay hopeful. Because while this Mother’s Day hurts like hell for me, maybe next year will be better.

Comments

  1. says

    I’m sorry. I was in your shoes once. My husband and I did not conceive as quickly as we wanted to, and it HURT. It turned out well for us in the end, and we have three children, but I’ll never forget that early pain and fear that I’d never be a mother. I will say a prayer for you. Don’t give up hope.
    Patricia P recently posted…Birthday FritosMy Profile

  2. says

    I am glad that I found your blog through “Pour Your Heart Out”. I am so sorry you are having infertility issues. I hope that the good Lord blesses you and next year you will be celebrating it. I will keep you in my prayers!

  3. says

    Now why would you want to make me cry. I am truly sorry for the struggle that the journey has been for you and continues to be. I know in my heart you are meant to have a child, you just are. I know you will get there by any means necessary because you want it so badly. I don’t have anymore awesome words for you but know that I’m sending you good happy thoughts.

    *btw can you email me your address so I have it handy.
    stephanie @ babe’s rockin’ mami recently posted…What a Pretty Little GirlMy Profile

  4. says

    Jenn, I have a day that I avoid in my life too because it is super painful. It isn’t thrown in my face with commercials but I still feel the impending doom as the date approaches. Do whatever you need to so you can get through the day. I’m thinking of you and sending you big hugs and hoping right along with you that next year will be different!
    Kristen recently posted…Our Furry First BornMy Profile

  5. says

    Oh, sweet lady. I think it’s safe to say most everyone understands and wishes you well. I hope you achieve your goal, I’m not going to be that person who stupidly says you definitely will get there when who the heck knows if you’re going to get there, but I hope you do. There’s no point beating yourself up because you aren’t where you thought you would be, that just gives the depression gremlins room to breed. Maybe you should treat the holiday like a spare Valentine’s day. Just celebrate the love you and your husband and your family have for one another. Don’t focus on the M word. {{hug}}
    Audrey recently posted…blogging 101My Profile

  6. says

    I pray every day for moms with broken hearts and you fit that criterion. You will be an excellent mother and your kids will make you a killer breakfast one day. Promise. I will be thinking about you tons this weekend. (((hugs)))
    Maria recently posted…StuckMy Profile

  7. says

    Oh (HUGS). You are in my prayers…truly.

    I can relate to some aspects of this. While I’ve not struggled with infertility, I did want another child. When I foudn myself divorced at 29, I wasn’t worried. I figured I’d get married again and have another. I’ll be 36 this year and I’m pretty sure that ship (the baby ship not the marriage ship) has passed and I’m okay with that, but there was a period of years not so long ago where my desire for another baby was a very real and painful ache.

    I know it’s not the same, but I do understand the sadness of seeing “everyone” else celebrate. In my case, it was what felt like all the woman I had babies with going on to have a third when I was in a place where I couldn’t.
    Sorta Southern Single Mom recently posted…PYHO: A Reaction to a PotShotMy Profile

  8. says

    Oh how I admire your honesty! I can’t even bring myself to fully write about this…I had to go to a baby shower last weekend & no one really knows how I feel except my mother…It was tough to put on my happy face to cover my sadness :( but you & I will have our turn! Keep your head up lady :)

  9. says

    I’m sorry. BIG HUG to you.

    I understand, to a degree. Last year I found out I was pregnant the day before Mother’s Day, but had a miscarriage a few weeks later. Still no baby this year.

    This next year will be better for both of us. Deal? :)
    Mrs. Jen B recently posted…The Feary of Evolution*My Profile

  10. says

    I am so sorry Jenn. I hope that this next year brings you everyone you’ve ever wanted. I am always willing to talk if you ever want to.
    Sara recently posted…A ChangeMy Profile

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