Hashtag This is Foster Care

I am struggling today.

The battery in my van finally died this afternoon. Of course, in true “this is the most overly dramatic version of my life” fashion, the deceased battery was discovered while walking out the door to take our newest foster kiddo to a biweekly visitation at the county courthouse.

Scramble, momentarily lose your shit, and then regroup.

Thanks to the fact that Josh started working a new job in lawn care and there’s still snow residue hanging on for all its might, we were able to shift our scheduled roles. Buckle Monster, the 4-year-old who is our newest addition, in as fast as you can and take off while I wait for our other foster kiddo, my hurricane child, to get off the Kindergarten bus.

Hurricane child bounces in the door and bombards me with his usual arsenal of questions. Are we going anywhere today? What are we doing today? Where is Daddy? Where is Hayla? What are we having for lunch? His mouth is a semi-automatic weapon aimed directly at my brain most days. But like most kids, the things that frustrate me are also the things I love most about his personality.

We go through the steps of our routine. It’s familiar and safe and comforting for the both of us. But there is never a dull moment, there are always appointments to keep, caseworkers to talk to, therapists to update. While waiting for an adoption caseworker to come, Hurricane’s main contact calls me to schedule the next visitation for Monster and tell me they approved Hurricane to have an extra day visit for Easter.

Foster care is fucking hard. I feel like I can’t get enough air into my lungs to take a breath some days, let alone to rant and rave and scream at all of the grown adults in this situation who are above me on the proverbial totem pole.

Most days my life feels like a sitcom. What’s the most chaotic, entertaining situation we can think of for a Type-A, Obsessive, Control Freak, Wants to Run the Show at All Times woman? Have her become a foster parent and watch the hilarity ensue!

Today I met with Hurricane’s adoption caseworker while simultaneously taking a phone call that reminds me just how close we are to his goal of reunification being complete. He’s very close to going home.

I am struggling.

This part of foster care is unknown territory for me. I’m not at the point where I feel confident about any outcome. Part of me wants to paint my face and fight what feels like a war to have this child get what is best for him. The other half of me wants to save my sanity, lick my wounds, and grieve in peace by embracing the mantra of “it is what it is”. I don’t care about which path is easier . . . but I am searching for the answers in my head and heart to decide which one is the right path to follow.

This is foster care. Today it is hard. Today it is a pain in the ass. Today it is frustrating and aggravating.

So for today . . . all I can do is hold on for tomorrow.